fuchsia fragments

I had a rough start to the week. It ended up with me working till 10:30 @ night monday followed by a night of insomnia and no amount of tossing and turning could make me sleep. I guess I must be stressed, a lot more so than usual.

I'm taking a hot soak in the bathtub at the moment and its given me a chance to think about me now (today was my one year work anniversary for those wondering) and how in every office place, there are always the same old stereotypes.

The unqualified - literally and figureatively speaking - "know-it-all" who makes blanket statements (mostly wrong), are total hypocrites and change the rules only when it suits them.

I don't eat sweets but I'll take your cookies and chocolate when I'm hungry. I hate it when people ask me to get things executed for them but I will ask you to get my documents signed and filed. I never offer to go buy coffee but if someone is going do they mind getting me a large latte with 2 sugars? I'm a total indian-giver and I offer to help go but in the afternoon I will give you back your work and mine because I'm way "too busy" but I have had time for 3 cigarette breaks, spoken on the phone to my bf several times and had an hour walk. I get in before all of you in the mornings so I can leave before 5 most days (reality check: she gets in at 8 one day a week and the rest of us are usually there before her).

Yeah, it gets to me because I don't understand how these people get by in life. This is the part where I am so thankful for the support around me. Those who share my pain in finance and those outside of work who console me. You keep me sane, thank you.

It almost blew up this morning but I've learnt to kill them with kindness/ bite my tongue. It was a conversation between myself and the lawyer on my deal. All she wanted was my clarification which I was ready to give and back myself up with as I had all approvals. But no. No no no. Tuesday mornings (Btw I was first in) aren't so simple. Bitchmouth butts into our conversation saying that I had structured my deal wrong and that I needed this, this and this to fix it. Lawyer asks me to check. So I have to tell the AE (only after telling her not to call my AE... she "offered" to do that for me) that he won't get paper this morning, lawyer won't review my paper until I confirm, pricing have to reapprove deal and on top of it the other girl in my team (my buddy who I am shadowing) wants to know what's going on. Lucky, she backed me up and told me that she did overhear and bitchface's blanket comments without any knowledge on the deal were invalid and incorrect. But see how someone who thinks they know something has caused so much extra work for others? It is completely and utterly not appreciated and uncalled for. A very upsetting start to my already painfully slow morning.

And her trying to be my friend all day and sing-songing my name. NOT COOL. I pretended to be listening to music all day, had my headphones in. How she ever got a job in this team, and this company fod the matter will be a question for the ages.

I'm grateful for my corner seat but how E and I ended up with her in the middle between us... must be a test on how resilient we can be.

Perhaps its quarter end getting to me. Perhaps its the realisation that I need to fight for recognition and to prove myself in this team. Perhaps its having to "work" collaboratively in a team (finance is pretty much on your own). Perhaps its because I feel as though I can do a better job...I know its because I am more efficient and use smarter methods (which Btw is wrong in her books) but I can't believe I always end up working with idiots who think they are world class.

Someone once said to me, not so long ago...

When it rains, it pours.

And i say...

When the fog clears, its sunshine and happy days!!!

Apparently, it applies to the good, the bad and the weather... literally!

Monday was a mixed day. Found out more about my tenant - he tried to commit suicide... we'll leave it at that.

An offer came through from SAP. *cheers* YEAAAAAHHHHHH! So I was very excited... and I didn't know what to do because I was still waiting for another call back from another company.

So decided to get some career advice from two people who have nurtured and spoilt and seen me grow professionally over the past 15 months.. and who will always have my best interests at heart... It was supposed to be a quick conversation. Ended up meeting Nick for a drink after work and pretty much dumped my whole emotional sob story on him from beginning to end. He was like, i've only got an hour or so and i'm like... no, this will take longer. And he's like oh geez... HAHAHA and yes, it was funny because apparently we had this conversation that went totally beyond me and over my head (and if you know me, this never ever happens).

So told him about work, about how we're going backwards now that he's left, about how i am doing freakin everyone's job, etc. Told him about my job offer (he was happier than i was!). Told him about my tenant. Had a little rant about admin. Not too much though - since the woman still texts him and her life story (at least I keep it short, simple and light). Told him how I don't gossip like she does!

Anyway, we had this conversation about work and the what ifs and worse-case scenarios. And by this time, my brain wasn't functioning. and he was in one of those "you need to think long and hard about this, i'm not going to spoon feed you" moods... and i was literally *blank face* I can't even recall what i said exactly but when we left it was pouring and well... a bit like a "to be continued" i suppose.

Decided that I was going to resign on Tuesday. And Tuesday came by... and oh freaking shit. Someone was already in the "fish bowl" meeting room first thing in the morning. Could only mean one thing! So i went downstairs for a coffee and to wait for my contract - which came through. Phew. And then went back upstairs to face the music. It was pretty ugly...

Told Poh and Nick straight afterwards... and he kept pressuring me to tell admin witch. I said no. Why should I? And he wouldn't let up which was strange for him since he usually gives up after a bit. So i did after lunch. And witch and I had a chat... seems like she wants to move on too. Hah but i beat her and so if she resigns in the next week or so, spotlight won't be on me! But she's asking for way too much money??!?!

So i said to him, how come you didn't tell me about erin? and he's like...

 "... i did. last night"

"when?"

"when i asked you, what would be worse thing that could happen to you there and you said reporting to her. and i said, no, think about it on a higher level. who would everyone turn to if she wasn't there?"

 *lightbulb flickers, silver spoon moment*

I pretty much went off on a tangent after that. I think something in my head clicked then, and i was like you were stringing me along this whole time (since he knew about erin and didn't say anything - even when i asked him if she was looking for a job) and it was his turn to be completely confused. but literally, I think we both just weren't understanding each other for the rest of the day...

It didn't help that Dee decided to pipe up and prank call me pretending to be someone from my new company. AHHHHHHH it was totally hilarious. He had me going for a good 5 or so minutes. I think I'm going to visit him in my time off. excited!

And it was super awesome when i met sarah and madison for dinner last night. went to the new mexican place again. it was better than last time! again, they were more happy than i was.

Anyways, i've made it official... i signed my contract today and returned it. Here's to a new chapter, long awaited and very much welcomed!

Now that I don't have to study and not actively looking for another job... what to do with my time?

I read an article not too long ago and it said that happy and successful people don't hold grudges. Whilst many of you would disagree and that I completely and utterly do hold them, I think I have at least mellowed right down in many aspects of holding a grudge.

2 days at work, 2 days at home, 1 morning at the races and hopefully a bottle of vodka when i get home.

i'm not sure if anyone has caught on but quite a few of my team are extremely irritated at one said male (and the 'only' male) in our team. myself especially. . .

i've said it before and i'll say it again - but everything, EVERYTHING - comes back to me.

and others are beginning to notice and i'm about to crack. because its unfair, and it really peeves me off and it slows down my day.

i feel like my job is hampered because he isn't doing his.

hence, there are days (pretty much half of every payroll week) that i really dread going to work. because i know my effort to get everything done in 2 days always drags over to 3 or 4 because of something that is beyond my control.

and when he holds on to stuff that should be given to me straight away - that is another thing that really annoys me (and also the fact that people always go to him with stuff like this...). because for two months in a row now, we have copped late penalties because the lazy prick had the bills sitting on his desk / in his inbox. not to mention all the bills he has double paid and entered wrongly. its so time consuming to fix and to undo. and why should i have to be the one to undo it when its YOUR mistake???

plus we can never find the files/ folders we are after anywhere near his desk. no idea where things are saved on the shared drive either.

that my rant for the day.

i think i need a weekend away. anyone interested?

so i think its a great time to reflect on the year gone-by. so much has happened. so much didn't and so much more could've.

for me personally, 2-0-1-0 was a transition year. wasn't the best year - can't say it was the worst. but it helped me build relationships professionally, gain new, important and some might say, powerful connections (depends on who's POV you are looking from) and made me a stronger and better person for future professional roles as well as getting to know myself.

it was a year where i learnt how to work full time - its all about routine! - and study, and make time for other things. i would have to say - i struggled doing this in the first 6 months of this year. and i felt really alone and lost contact with many during this time. slowly, some of these things changed. i learnt (thanks to Bob as well! . . . he never stopped reminding me . . . eventho it was him and his ppl making me stay back!!!) that its "just a job" and that i shouldn't have been stressing over it so much. i guess you could call me a "workaholic" but not to the extent that i know many others were working to.

and in all of this, i have seen the good and bad sides of many people. i've seen both sides of many arguments and it has been a very interesting experience. i have seen people trying to bend others' wills' for their own personal benefit and i have seen the not so nice faces of many. sadly, i would say, this comes in all industries no matter where you are.

things started to get hectic from about July onwards - not only was i studying - a lot of ongoing family issues took up much of mine, and my family's time. some of you would have known that my g'ma has been in and out of hospital for the latter half of this year.

and it's and about the eb and flow. ~


some days were good. some were bleak. some were hopeful. some were borderline.

and each time she was admitted into hospital, it was more and more severe until breaking point - December 27 - when we were going to celebrate with family and friends Christmas and the holiday period. the dreaded phone call came at about 3 p.m. G'ma had a fall at home and it was very - extremely - serious. she'd already had a right hip replacement years ago and this time, she'd fallen on her left. so she needed surgery pretty much straight away for the left side. aunty had to stay with her in emergency all night. and it was touch and go for awhile.

the past few days have been up and down. some days good, very bright and hopeful. other days, just getting by seems like a challenge. we visit her daily - for me, straight after work and any other time on the weekend. and during this time, i've learnt a few things about myself:

- i can get really emotional about it all due to the nature and the circumstances regarding this incident
- because of the above, i think i pull myself back from watching her suffer
- you can't ever change the course of fate
- looking on the bright side does make a difference

so we can take a positive stance on everything that's happened and we all believe that she has the strength, the willpower and the endurance to make a full recovery. FINGERS, TOES AND HEART CROSSED!

after all that's happened, and at the end of the day - and year - i think i've managed to get a grip on balancing everything. at least, it will help me in the new year in terms or organisation, events and routine.

so many people have asked me to keep in touch with them in the new role  - and honestly, i don't know if i will be able to keep in touch with all of them. i will sincerely try my hardest though! and i definitely will miss each and everyone one of them one way or another!!!

Most of all, i will miss dear Miss Val who has once again jetted off to HK. our time last week and short but oh so decadently sweet and well worth it. i expect her to expect a lot of parcels in 2011!!! hehehehe.

But enough lamenting - i barely scrapped the top! but enough is enough!!!

Bring on 2011!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

xoxo

why can't something be done for me for a change?
why am i the one who always does the planing, the organising, all the behind-the-scenes?
where's my recognition?
why do i bother?
why am i the one who has to bend?
why can't YOU accommodate ME?

can't anyone do ANYTHING right?
do i ALWAYS have to be the one who chases things up?

i want my sunbeam cashback. its well overdue and it was approved over 7 working days ago.
they said it'll take 5. LIARS!
ANNOYED!

and why is their customer service only open business hours. do they think of the people who are worked to their bones that they dont have time to call during these hours.

even paypal is open 6 am to 10 pm.

clearly, sunbeam CS arent working HARD ENOUGH!

nothing beats a homemade watermelon, rockmelon and passionfruit juice. icy cold. how my body needs thee.

i can spend the day ranting if i wanted to.

almost had my finger broken by a very trashed janice the bitch. srly needs to learn some self-control. coming in trashed and screaming at the top of your lungs is not appreciated. nor is hogging the microphone and remote. nor is screaming into the microphone. and shoving me aside and bending my fingers backwards whilst i am trying to order a drink. wait your turn.

and stop complaining about my ex-car. i am more than happy to take her back. she was my baby and obviously you are not treating her right. cause i never had any issues with her when i was driving her. now, not even a month in and your telling me she has all these problems? did they come out of thin air? AND DONT EVER SAY THAT IM JUST UNOBSERVANT. YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON WHO HAS THAT RIGHT. why are you even telling me? i don't appreciate you accusing me of selling you a lemon. because i know that i didn't. and we sold it to you way undervalued. so stop complaining about all the "dents" in the car - i didn't even do them. and saying that its a shit ride. go buy a new car if you're so unhappy.

and it is highly inappropriate to be asking one of your bfs best friends how many chicks he slept with whilst away. and the comment that he should "spread his seed" is filthy and disgusting. srly.

and why do we always have to catch the slow and very infrequent trains to bevo? it is so much more convenient and quicker to get to hursty...

on another note, i thoroughly enjoyed Alice even more so because it was with D and V.. can't say we missed you C ;).

and i have to say, mizuya, you are quite the let down on saturdays. your service is shit, your booking desk people are quite the rude ones (i asked what room a booking under andrew for about 20 people would be in and was told

"there are a lot of people with the booking andrew for about 20 people, why don't you just call them?" PFFT *insert wYn's unimpressed look*)"

our food and drink orders were so slow we managed to leech an extra hour of k-time. despite them repeatedly telling us to get out. well, we're not leaving until we get all our drinks that we ordered AND paid for! so i think, in the end, we ended up getting quite a few drinks during all the confusion.. like about 3 different people came in asking us what was missing, and martin kept pointing at the same drinks so i think they came like 3 times. LOL.

i need to thank the triplets yet again for waking me up from my much needed sleep.

i feel like i have so many things to do... but i dont.
i feel like ive done so much without being appreciated... but its not true.
i feel like my plans have been for nothing... but they aren't.
i feel like crying... but i can't.
i feel like screaming... but its too quiet.
i feel like i have no time to myself... but i don't make time.
i feel like theres a million things to discuss... but there isn't.
i feel like i'm out of touch... but im not.
i feel like shopping... but i dont have the effort.

... yes, it's all my fault.

im sorry.

i wish people would stop telling me their problems.

because i hate being in the middle.
because i hate being in the middle.
because i hate being in the middle.
because i hate being in the middle.
because i hate being in the middle.

i am really fed up with target in general at the moment. and i wish it were the weekend. *sigh*

in fact, i wish that uni was next week or something. there's too much bitchiness at work. =(

i need a haircut. i want a million dollars.

the morning was a bit of a frenzy. we actually had a group of people waiting for us to open... and it was busy from the word go. i was on the registers for more than like 5 minutes. hahahaha. thats saying something cause normally an extra operator can cut the queues down in no time.. but nope, not today.

managed to get my three nursery cages done which was a relief.

what i really wanted was to be at the beach. i had to settle for my overgrown and unattended garden.. with scout. it felt so nice just sitting on the porch in a sundress this arvo.

had a bit of a vent and rant at donna. thanks for being my ears. its appreciated. no matter how unjust i probably sounded.